“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Even though we always prefer to avoid feeling fearful, fear is a very useful emotion. It kept our cave-dwelling ancestors one step ahead of being attacked by Saber Toothed Tigers, for example. But today, most of our fears come from within; fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, or the fear of not measuring up.
Feeling fear is uncomfortable. So, to avoid feeling uncomfortable, we play it safe. But playing it safe means staying within our comfort zone. The thing is, a lot of what we want from life, the things that make us feel most alive, exist outside our comfort zone. Since what we want is beyond our comfort zone AND our fear tries to keep us inside that zone, we’re left with a real dilemma.
We can’t make progress with one foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator at the same time. We have to choose and commit to one or the other.
Living your life to the fullest means trying new things, meeting new people, and taking calculated risks. So the question becomes, “How do we overcome our fear so we can do that?”
Fear is a warning sign of what MIGHT happen. Just because we can imagine all the dangers and potential pitfalls of an activity, doesn’t mean it’s likely that they will eventuate.
However, the beauty here is that if the source of our fears comes from within, so too does the solution to overcoming them.
You have the power to face and overcome your fears. So, fear not!
Conquering The Fear
When we’re dealing with the debilitating effect of fear it’s important to remember that the default position our thoughts take is to sabotage us. Our thought patterns are altered by fear, which makes it harder to make a rational decision in uncertain or challenging situations.
Our brain’s biases mean we often emphasise the potential negative consequences of taking action while at the same time we downplay any possible positives. So it is vital to remain constantly aware of this and not allow it to colour our actions.
With this in mind let’s look at ways you can conquer the fear that’s holding you back.
Our natural urge is to turn away from the discomfort of fear but the first step in overcoming them involves facing your fears head on.
We’re afraid of things we can’t see. When you hear a noise in the middle of the night you turn on a light to see what it is. In the same way the first step to overcoming your fear is by shining a light on it. It’s easier to overcome something when know exactly what you’re up against. You often find it’s not as bad as you initially feared. But you’ll never know until you look!
Define
So it’s time to focus and put your fears right into the spotlight by making yourself a ‘Fear List’. Take a sheet of paper and draw three columns. Label the first column Define, the next Reframe and the third Support.
Next consider what scares you? We’re not talking about your fear of snakes or confined spaces here, but rather the things you are afraid to do. This might look like talking to your spouse about finances, quitting your job, or starting a business, for instance.
List these in the first column under Define. Include all your doubts, the worst-case scenarios you can imagine and any problems that you think might arise.
You could frame them in this way for an effective understanding of the issue:
I want to______ and I scare myself by imagining____.
For example:
I want to talk to my spouse about our finances and I scare myself by imagining that they will get defensive about our spending habits, and it will end in an argument.
OR:
I want to build a successful business, and I scare myself by imagining that I don’t have what it takes, I won’t be able to get clients and I won’t earn enough money so I’ll be unable to pay my mortgage and will then lose my house.
This exercise reveals how your fears are created by imagining the negative ‘what if’s’ and how your thoughts can quickly escalate them out of proportion.
Changing The Narrative
The next step to transforming that negative into a positive is to create a powerful narrative that supports you to draw on your inner courage and strength to take control and overcome your fear.
Reframe
Turn to the second column Reframe and use this column to reframe the fears you identified and defined.
Use this statement to rework your fear and add your new statements to the second column:
Instead of scaring myself by imagining____ I will focus my energy/work hard to ____.
For example:
Instead of scaring myself by imagining that my spouse and I will argue over finances, I will investigate what could be some shared common goals for our savings and investments.
OR:
Instead of scaring myself by imagining that my business will fail and I won’t be able to pay my bills and will lose my house, I will do the background market research, learn the skills and diligently apply the effort to create my successful business.
By flipping the fear into a compelling positive and conscious vision, it makes it much less scary to move past our fears.
Silencing, suppressing, or denying your fear in any way gives it strength. But by shining a light on our fears and identifying and reframing them they begin to lose the power they have over us.
Support
The third column is for investigating ways to support yourself through the challenge and prevent the worst-case scenarios from occurring.
For each fear explore ways you might behave to make the challenge easier or actions you could do to prepare yourself before facing the fear.
This might look like:
When I speak with my spouse about finances, I will choose a time when we both feel relaxed, I’ll use words that are not confrontational and when I feel challenged I will take a few deep breaths before responding.
OR:
Before I start my business I will seek advice from a financial advisor about how I can restructure my current financial obligations to relieve some of the pressure.
OR:
If I find myself in trouble later as a result of this decision, I can draw on my ability to freelance or I can work a few hours in a second part-time job until I move past the challenge.
In the Support column you could also add contacts you can reach out to, practices to adopt such as meditation which relieve the stress caused by fear and help you gain greater clarity about the situation, or professional courses or practitioners to support you.
A New Trajectory
Once you have finished your columns you may be surprised to discover that your worst-case fear is not as devastating as you had believed it to be. Which will allow you to now look forward positively.
Take a fresh sheet of paper. On this sheet begin to record what might go well if you overcome your fear and move forward.
This might look like:
Instead of imagining my spouse and I will argue over finances, by working together we could start saving for a house or take a longed-for trip overseas.
OR:
By starting my own business armed with the knowledge and resources I need, I could discover I love going to work each day instead of dreading it. Plus, I will be able to take control of my time management so I can spend more time with my family.
Consequences
And now take one last sheet of paper and on this list all the consequences of NOT taking action. Consider the impact over one year, five years and ten years. Include any potential emotional, financial and physical costs as well as the effect it will have on realising your dreams. You can alter this time if it doesn’t fit your situation. For example, one week, six weeks and three months might be more appropriate.
This may look like feeling stuck in a terrible job where you can’t grow, not having an open relationship with your spouse and feeling resentful, never owning your own home, not discovering a new hobby or activity you love and are great at, or even losing friends who have offended you.
Completing all these steps will help you get out of your limiting thoughts and present clear reasons why or why not you should forge on in spite of the underlying fear.
Of course, learning to overcome fear is easier said than done. When you’re gripped with fear it’s hard to see an escape hatch. But, since your fear comes from within, you always hold the key to that escape hatch. All you need to do is turn that key to set your fears free.
Apply these tactics to overcoming your fears to keep moving forward. Your dreams depend on it!